Life – but not as you knew it: Pregnant Pause

In our last blog, Sam Reynolds shared her experiences of living with cancer and a small child. But what if your cancer treatment has affected your pregnancy and fertility?

Chemotherapy, radiotherapy and other drugs can all affect the ability to have children. For many young adults with cancer, coping with post-treatment fertility problems can feel like yet another massive hurdle that has to be overcome– and it’s something that has to be dealt with for years after the initial diagnosis. We also know that fertility issues are often dealt with poorly by clinicians; in Shine’s 2012 survey of young adults with cancer, almost 50% of people told us that they hadn’t felt adequately supported to preserve their fertility prior to starting treatment.

Writing poignantly below, our writer tells us about her experiences of terminating a pregnancy, cancer and fertility treatment. Cancer and pregnancy is rare, and we know that there aren’t any easy answers to infertility. We firmly believe, however, that shedding more light on these experience is important. So many young adults with cancer deal with infertility quietly and on their own, struggling to make sense of what they’re experiencing. We want to change that.

To get in touch, please check out our Facebook page, website or follow us on Twitter.

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Pregnant Pause: Cancer, Termination and IVF

Three and half years ago I was diagnosed with bowel cancer, aged 30. I was also eight weeks pregnant with my first baby. The shock of the diagnosis was quickly superseded by having to make some important decisions and take many actions. Requesting to see the top specialists in the areas that I was now acutely involved in – oncology, surgery and gynaecology – it quickly became clear that it would not be possible to keep the baby if I was going to survive. The location of the tumour, and the radical surgery required to remove it, meant that we couldn’t. Having explored as many options as possible, I had a termination two weeks after the diagnosis. I remember asking my husband to write down very clear bullet points about why this had to happen; I wanted to be able to reassure myself later if doubted my decision. We were devastated.

At this point my medical team said there was a chance my fertility would be ok, as long as surgeries and treatment went smoothly. I knew that I may be eligible for in vitro fertilisation (IVF) and I was given a three-week window in which to try it before my first surgery. Despite being told there as a high chance it may not work due to my recent pregnancy and short time frame, we got four embryos for storage.

The next year was spent in a whirlwind of treatments and surgeries, dealing with the very physical and even more emotional changes required to ‘get through’ cancer. All the while I spoke as openly and honestly as I could with family, friends and new people in my life about the experience – how I, we, were feeling, and how I was looking forward to it being over.

Coping with life throughout it all was hard at times, and I felt more fragile and weaker than my ordinary self. I found other people’s good news hard to hear but desperately wanted to be ok with things. Pregnancy news in others was often the worst, although pregnant people or their new babies much less so. I asked people to email me their pregnancy news so I didn’t have to process it face-to-face, but felt guilty about having to do so. I knew I had to be rational about normal life carrying on around me but this still felt so hard. People often said ‘you’re strong, I couldn’t cope with what you’ve been through’ but if I ever wanted to ask ‘why me?’ I tried to remind myself equally ask ‘why not me?’. It’s just a shame it’s anyone.

I had to find a way to accept what was going on and what we had had to do. I remember a friend emailing, saying ‘I’m so sorry about the miscarriage’ and I don’t think I corrected her. I didn’t have the energy to explain it or risk feeling exposed, potentially judged, and even more sad.

Eventually after a third surgery I was told I was cancer-free. It is often at this point cancer survivors talk of their difficulty in adjusting to life – finding their new “normal”, one you didn’t choose or want to have to explore. Despite doing well in many ways – I am healthy again, eating well, and have made exciting changes in my career, the emotional fall out has been had the biggest impact. I feel guilty for wondering whether, had I just had cancer to deal with and not the loss of a baby, would I have bounced back better now? Be more adjusted? I just have to keep being honest with those closest to me about how we’re coping and looking for support along the way.

Being pregnant with cancer is rare but it is not unheard of – 30,000 people aged 25-49 are diagnosed with cancer every year in the UK, about 60% (18,000) will be women and a handful may be pregnant at the time of diagnosis. Another way of looking at it is cancer occurs in approximately 1 in every 1000 (0.001%)[1] pregnancies. I am aware of other people like me now – some have been able to keep their pregnancies, others not. The hardest part is knowing that you couldn’t have done anything differently. I tell myself not to dwell on what might have been but that’s hard when you’re looking at your future, thinking about how things might have been so different.

We have now been trying for a baby for over a year, and I’ve been told that I have physical issues that may make it hard to have a baby. Having just found out our first round of IVF hasn’t worked, my resilience is being truly tested and running low. Despite this, I actually feel clearer than ever about our plan for a family, and I know that we will have a family of our own one day – hopefully sooner rather than later. I hope my future involves acceptance, peacefulness and a happy heart. Isn’t that just what everyone wants?

 

[1] http://www.cancer.net/coping-and-emotions/sexual-and-reproductive-health/cancer-during-pregnancy

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One thought on “Life – but not as you knew it: Pregnant Pause

  1. What a beautiful, honest and amazing blog about what you have been through! I wish you all the luck in the world getting where you want to be. You are so incredibly brave. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxxxxx

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