Most of the blogs we feature are written by young adults who are living with cancer – but who cares for those who care for us? And what does it feel like? In our latest blog, Caroline writes about coping with her husband’s diagnosis and the ways she found to look after herself when everyone was relying on her. Shine has a small but growing “Plus Ones’ network. If you’re a partner, friend, parent or sibling of a young adult with cancer, why not join our growing Shine Plus Ones network? We run it via Facebook – just click on the link and request to join.
As always, we’d love to know what you think about this blog – and please share it with anyone you know who might be interested!
Cancer barged into our lives uninvited, ruthless and arrogant, and rapidly took the reins. Even before my husband was diagnosed, we knew something wasn’t right and our lives had already changed significantly – mostly in terms of anxiety. I would lay awake in the still of the night, hugging my nursing daughter close, terrified that I might soon be a single mum. Our life full of promise – in a new home, a new job, new friends and a new baby – was stopped in its tracks. The foundations of my life were suddenly very unstable and a new role as “carer” had been thrust upon me.
Cancer became our dictator
From the day we received the diagnosis – germ cell carcinoma, intermediate stage – the loss of control of our daily lives seemed to escalate. My life was no longer about running the home, toddler groups, changing nappies and days out as a family. It became about appointments, test results, clinics and chemo. As much as I tried to keep things “normal” for the kids, the inability to plan was overwhelming. Even mundane decisions that I previously took for granted were no longer within my control. I didn’t know from one day to the next where our family would need to be or who would look after the kids and for how long. The unpredictability of my husband’s symptoms challenged family life even on the days that weren’t disrupted by unscheduled or delayed hospital appointments.
Then, just as we were settled into a rhythm with chemo and had a “treat to cure” plan, my husband got very ill with a virus while he was neutropenic. We were back on high alert. This was a stark reminder of the fragility of our situation, the uncertainty of the future and my perceived powerlessness.
I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and my own health was beginning to unravel
Caught up in the adrenalin and anxiety of my husband’s health crisis, I neglected my own health, both physical and emotional, by repeatedly prioritising my family. I slowly realised that my health was just as important – after all, everyone was relying on me, plus it was one thing I could control. I chose to invest in myself and to proactively nourish and nurture my family. I researched and developed a “no-fad” cancer-patient friendly eating plan and set about caring for my family’s health.
As a biologist I am well aware that our bodies need a plethora of resources to function at their best. We need nourishment, rest and movement in unique and varying amounts, especially in sickness. Only when balance is achieved do we build the reserves we need to invest into others and/or support our body in recovering from illness.
Having been a carer with two young kids, I know how important my health is, but also how easy it is to put it at the bottom of the list, but once I adopted some simple strategies, my emotional and physical health – and that of my family -massively improved.
Staying in the moment
- Being still for 5 minutes each day. Simply breathe and be there. Accept all thoughts and feelings that come, embrace and experience them,–especially the hard, gut-wrenching ones, then release them. This is difficult, as we get so used to suppressing emotions and putting on a brave face, but this strategy stopped me misdirecting my anger, anxiety and frustration at unsuspecting and innocent parties. For example, I realised that when my son’s behaviour was uncharacteristically awful, it was actually a reflection of my anxiety, fear or stress. Acknowledging these emotions allowed us to enjoy each other and have fun.
- Connecting with my husband. It’s easy to slip into the role of carer and loose touch with your old relationship. Make time to love each other in the way that you used to; a partner, sister, brother, son or daughter. Love without pity, sympathy, anger or fear. Just be there with love and laughter. Remind yourselves of what you mean to one another.
- Being grateful every day. I used to get annoyed when people said this to me, were they expecting me to be grateful we had cancer? That’s not what I am saying. I am saying find the positives, even the little ones, each day. Is the sun shining? Did you find a parking space? Did you get good results? Were you able to share time together? Getting into the habit of thinking through the positives, event while you brush your teeth, can be a powerful thing!
Taking control of my health
In addition to the above, I also made a few changes to my diet and routine:
- I took Epsom salt baths 1-2 times a week. This was amazing for alleviating tension and encouraging a peaceful sleep – something that was very elusive!
- I cut back on caffeine and sugar. These are easy to over-dose on, especially during times of stress, but they ended up making me feel irritable and tired, which was less than ideal. I also stayed away from hospital vending machines and made sure to take healthy snacks – like fruit and raw nuts – to our appointments.
- I implemented a “no-fad” cancer-patient friendly diet. Taking charge of family health through food was really empowering. I found a way of eating that suited the whole family and was based largely around a mineral broth. It was easy to eat and highly nutritious food that worked well for a chemo-weary tummy!
After three rounds of BEP chemo and major abdominal surgery, my husband is now in remission. Life is slowly returning to a new kind of normal, and that’s ok. Cancer slowed us down and changed us, but it hasn’t broken us. There’s a lot of life to live and we are bouncing back!